If you go parachuting with your friends and your parachute doesn't open, I think a funny gag would be to act like you are swimming.Deep Thoughts
Proud member of DAMM Drunks Against MADD Mothers.Bumper Sticker
LISA: Dad, why are you dedicating you life to blasphemy? HOMER: Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.The Simpsons
PESSIMISM: Every dark cloud has its silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.T-shirt
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Good health is merely the slowest way to die.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains arouse me.
Advertising today has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate, and buying shit we don't need.Death Flower
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear encounters, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, backpackers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so that the bears are not startled unexpectedly by a human's presence. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear poop and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop smells like pepper and has little bells in it.Montana Grizzly Bear Notice
Life is like a box of chocolates. It's a cheap thoughtless perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable becuase all you ever get back is another box of chocolates, so you're stuck with this unidentifiable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an English toffee, but they're gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with up with nothing but broken bits with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. If you're desperate enough to eat that, all you have left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers."Cancer Man, Musings of a cigarette-smoking man, The X-Files
A man with no arms should not look at a piano.Rizwan Haroon
If you're arguing with an idiot make sure he isn't doing the same thing.
A man being admitted into a mental institution: "They called me mad. I called them mad. And damn them they outvoted me."
If you love someone set them free! If they don't come back hunt them down and kill them.
It is better to drink to forget, than to forget to drink.Message on a blackboard in an Edinburgh pub
This planet is obviously being used as an insane asylum by other planets.George Bernard Shaw
Once I wept for I had no shoes. Then I met a man with no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean, it wasn't as if he was going to need them.
Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.Emo Phillips
If you were in the street on fire, I'd put you out with gasolineHenry Rollins